He cradles my heart
It seems like marriage is continually evolving for us. We go through seasons of strife, seasons of bliss, and sometimes those seasons all tossed up in a bowl. I think what keeps us together is our foundation on Christ and our mutual love/respect for one another as individuals, not just husband and wife. It also helps tremendously that our ideals and faith are the same and that neither one of us are willing to give up on people, especially each other.
Whenever I’m having trouble under-appreciating or over-criticizing Joe, I picture what it would be like to lose him as my best friend, what it would be like not to have such a devoted, loving, and understanding person in my life. I also think of what it would be like to lack someone who loves me enough to tell me I’m wrong. After thinking about it that way, very soon I realize exactly why I’ll always want him as my husband. His friendship cradles my heart.
That said. There are SO many pitfalls concerning differences between spouses! It’s truly a delicate balance! Saying too much or too little, basing our opinion of our spouse’s character on their poorest performances rather than their love of God and willingness to serve others, judging, etc. Also, even in the most ideal circumstances, what couple has perfect communication? Sometimes couples’ personalities differ so greatly that extraordinary measures must be taken to untangle the webs of miscommunication.
Here are a few examples: A long time ago I used to try to forget myself to make the clashes/differences easier to tolerate. That made it far too easy to develop false humility and a martyr mentality. I thought I was HELPING the marriage by telling white lies to myself/Joe! Another trap I’ve seen happens once a couple has been together a while and one or both start(s) to think they know the other one well enough to judge them. More and more faults are exposed over time, which are easily identified. Then, if a couple doesn’t purpose themselves to also learn each others’ assets equally well, the scale is tipped and the whole institution teeter-totters.
I think relationships are like asymptotes, we get closer and closer to “zero” without ever knowing what it’s like to actually be our spouse. That means infinite pleasure and possible growth toward one another, but most likely infinite displeasure to an extent as well. Ignoring or being in denial about negative attributes, whether yours or someone else’s, just isn’t healthy. But judging isn’t necessarily helpful either. So, my way of balancing the affects of negative character traits is to recognize with equal energy those of exceptionally good quality.